I'm holding:

I limp. There's a small raise I decide to call. The flop:

Pete's in early position. He checks. I bet $35. Other two players fold, then Pete raises me to $105. I decide to call. The turn:

Pete bets $110. I think about it I know I'm behind, but I have to decide if my two pair draw is also good. I decide that it is. I have $182, so I go all-in for $72 over Pete's bet. He reluctantly calls. I tell him he's ahead. The river:

his hand:

He calls me a donkey and tells me that I misplayed my hand on every street. I point out that I only misplayed my hand badly pre-flop and on the flop, that I actually played the turn masterfully.

He laughs. I leave 45 minutes later up exactly $500.

I plan on heading to a concert in Bushwick. I walk to the 6 train at 32nd and Park. I decide to stop in and see if Mario and Mookie are working at Wolfgang's. I go in, and order a beer. Mookie walks up to the bar a minute later, and I tap him on the shoulder and re-introduce myself. We had just met on Friday night.

Mario walks up a minute later. Mookie says he's going to head to this place in Queens where they have a tournament at 11:00 PM. I started the night wanting to play a tournament, and I decide that I'm in for an adventure. I jump in the car with Mookie. 15 minutes later we walk into a club in Queens.

The tournament is already underway. Mookie had called ahead and bought us both seats. It's a 20 person tournament, and it's 20 minutes underway. It's $110 to enter, there are half rebuys for $60, and there's a possible add-on for $50 at the hour mark. I decide to not do the half rebuy at the moment.

I pick up a couple of small pots and I'm in an OK spot at the end of the hour. I do the add-on, like everybody else. It's still 20 players in the tournament.

The second hand after the break I pick up this in late position:

I raise and get called on the button and by one of the blinds. The flop:

I bet about two-thirds of the pot, and get a caller from the little blind. The pot is like three times his chipstack, so I know I need to hit or I'm screwed. The turn:

And the guy goes all-in within seconds of the 2 hitting the table. I immediately call. The guy looks at my cards and throws his hand away before they deal the river:

I never even see his hand:

I'm now the biggest stack at the table, sitting immediately on the left of what was the biggest stack on the table. He works at the club, and was nice enough when I sat down to make the open seat be on his left. Now he has the biggest stack at the table on his left.

The very next hand I look at:

I'm still in late position. There's a small raise in early position, and the guy on my right goes all-in over the top. I really don't know what to do. I'm supposed to fold, but... how can I do that with QQ? I go all-in over the top.

He's holding:

Pretty much the only hand I didn't really want to see. For some reason if I see AA or KK there I shrug my shoulders and chalk it up to making a bad decision. But AKsuited. That's making the right call, and my fate is gonna be in the cards. The board comes:

I survive. And now I have more chips than the rest of the table combined.

The very next hand I pick up:

I limp, along with three other players. The flop:

Open-ended. One of the blinds bets, I call, and one guy calls behind me. The turn:

First guy bets, I call, guy behind calls. The river:

First guy checks, I bet about half the pot, the guy behind me folds, and the guy in early position calls.

He shows me one Queen. Doesn't show the kicker, and throws the hand away:

I've now knocked three people out on three consecutive hands. I have a massive chip stack. Twenty minutes later the tournament goes down to ten players and one table. Somehow one of the guys from the other table has even more chips than I do, and between the two of us we have probably 65% of the chips on the table. Between the two of us we take out every player except one. He still has me outchipped when it's just the two of us, say 165,000 to 140,000. He looks at me and asks if I want to chop down the middle. This tournament is a lot more money than Sunday's BBBB tourney. It's $1950 for first and $900 for second. I take the $1425, give the dealers $100, and I go home at 3:00 AM with about $1700 in more in pocket than I had earlier in the night.

Actually... I lied. I get a taxi and go straight to Lit. It's 3:00 AM when I get there, and it's pretty empty. I order a beer. I actually don't know a single person on the waitstaff, and I don't know anybody there. I sit at the bar for fifteen minutes and order another drink. Two girls walk in and sit down next to me. One of them starts talking to me. She's not unattractive. Actually kinda cute in a nerdy youngish kinda way. We even end up talking about something (I honestly don't remember what) that we had in common. I think just an album or something, but... something that I found a bit surprising. But, anyway... I'm just not feeling it. I'm finding it all tiring, uninteresting. I just don't really want to talk with some girl that I don't have that much interest in. I guess one of her friends comes in, and while the three of them are talking, I get up and slide out the side door of Lit. I even make a right turn after leaving Lit so that I don't have to walk by the front window. Which, of course, means I have to walk by Kendel's apartment, but I don't think I'll be bumping into her at 3:50 AM.

I walk home the long way and go to bed.

In late position I pick up:

There's one limper. I go all-in after him, the big blind and little blind fold, and the limper really doesn't want to call, but it's not many more chips, so he calls and says "hopefully my cards are live." He's holding:

He's about as dominated as you get... The flop:

Ouch. The turn:

No help. The river:

Whew. That was lucky.

I pick up a few more hands, and I make it down to the final four. I knock out the fourth place guy. There's 245,000 chips on the table. Neil has 105,000, I have 100,000, and another guy has 40,000. The guy starts asking if we want to make a deal. Neil and I say the only way we would make a deal would be by straight percentage. It would break down to $840, $840, and $420. We make some eye contact. They guy is awful, and we both say we'd rather play. We play on.

Well, of course, the guy knocks out Neil, instead of the other way around. Now he even has more chips than me... Like 135,000 to 110,000. He's crying to chop, and even though I know I can take him out, I decide to make the deal. He takes $1050, I take $900. I was in for $110 with the add-ons and rebuys, I tip the dealers $100... I'm happy with the nice win. I leave without playing cash games.

I play a fairly uneventful hour. I'm up maybe $150 at one point, then back down to even. Actually go down to $160, buy another hundred, and then hit the next hand for $100, so I'm sitting there with $360 in front of me and I'm in for $350. Then I get involved in a stupid hand. I'm one off the button with:

I limp for $2, the button raises to $12. 4 players call and it comes back to me. I throw the $10 and close the action. The flop:

A gutshot to the ass-end of the straight. 4 players check, I check, the raiser bets $30. 3 players call. I kinda figure one of them could be on a gutshot or straight draw to the higher straight, but I decide to see one more card and figure out my reads later. The turn:

Nothing. 3 players check, I check, the button checks. The river:

3 players check, I check, the button bets $45. 3 players fold and it comes to me last to act. I sit there and I try to figure out what hand he could possibly have that he wouldn't bet the turn (with two flush draws out there and tons of gutshots), but would bet the river. I finally decide it has to be a bluff disquised as a value bet, and I call.

his hand:

I take down over $300 with a pair of twos, three kicker. guy next to me is mad that he folded his 6. I'm happy to be right.

A couple of hands later I'm on the button with:

I call a small raise in front of me to $12, as does the big blind and one early limper. 4 players to the flop:

2 checks, the original better bets out $35. I decide that he missed, and I call just to see one more card and to set up a bluff on the turn. Other two players fold. Heads up to the turn:

He checks to me. I called just to set up a bluff, but now I'm quite confident I'm ahead. I bet $55. He calls. The river:

The river worries me a little bit, but he checks to me. I bet out $55 again, a bit afraid of him hitting a set of Qs on the river... maybe he had been slowplaying me all along. Or maybe he just called me down with AQ. I'm not really sure how to play it, but I was pretty confident that I was ahead, and wanted to make a value bet for the 90% of the time (or more) that I am ahead there. Other guy announces "raise" and my heart sinks. He throws in the $55, and raises me $150.

I think about it for a 45 seconds, and I realize what he's done: he called me on the turn to set up a bluff on the river, just like I called him on the flop! I'm suddenly sure of. I actually feel myself starting to smile. I point at his raise, I pick up 6 green chips and throw them in the middle. "I call."

He just shakes his head. "That's a great call, man. How do you call that? I've got nothing." He turns over:

The whole table is shocked. Everybody is telling him "great bet", and "that was a fantastic raise, I don't know how he calls there." and "I woulda folda." Then about a minute later everybody starts saying to me "great call" once they thought about it a little more. One guys is like "we've just seen you make two crazy calls in the last 15 minutes" and I say, "What can I say... I'm a calling station." I laugh. He laughs. He goes, "Yeah... But you were right every time so far. You're batting a hundred!". I tell him I'm actually batting a thousand... I hope to be better than batting a hundred.

I look down to see almost $1000 in front of me.

15 minutes later I look down at:

There's a raise in front of me from the guy from the hand above. He raises to $12, I make it $35. He calls and we're heads-up to the flop:

He bets out $35. I don't hesitate a bit and raise him to $85. He thinks about it a minute and re-raises me to $175. I immediately say I'm all-in. He has about another $150 behind him, and calls. I turn over the JJ. He turns over:

his hand:

He just shakes his head. I have him crushed. The whole tables wonders what the hell he was thinking. The turn and river come:

Everybody just gasps. I actually laugh. It's one of the worst beats I've ever actually taken, but it's so ridiculous that I can't even be mad. I definitely say "wow", shake my head, and move on.

In the next 15 hands, I get KK twice. Twice in a row, on the big blind and the small blind. On the Big Blind I re-raise to $65, get one caller, and fire at the flop, and the guy folds. The next hand the same person as the previous KK hand raises, and this time I smooth call. I check raise him on the flop, and he goes all-in. I lose $150 as he turns over AA. I'm still around the same $650 that I had left after the JJ vs. 10-8 debaucle.

I'm in late position again. There's a raise in front of me from the guy I called the check-raise bluff and lost the JJ vs. 10-8 to. I look down and see:

I re-raise him to $40. Everybody folds, he calls. It's he and I to the flop:

He bets $75. I raise him to $185. He thinks about it for a minute, and calls. The turn:

He checks to me. I don't know what the fuck he has, but I decide that I'm ahead, and that I want him to go away. He has about $400 in front of him, there's $450 in the pot. I go all in. He thinks and thinks and thinks. And then finally calls! Once he took that long I knew I was really far ahead. I immediately turn over my AA, and he just shakes his head again. He asks me if I want to do business. I'm like "you haven't showed me your cards yet!" He laughs and turns over:

I just laugh at him. There's no way I'm doing business against J3. The river comes:

and I take the $650 off of him that should have been mine from the bad beat he had given me a half hour before.

Two hands later a new guy sits down at the table with $200, I call a raise in front to $25 with 68suited, the new guy raises to $75, and the initial raiser calls. I say fuck it, throw in the $50, and see the flop. The flop comes 567. First guy checks, I check, new guy goes all-in for $125. I have middle pair and I'm open ended. First guy folds, and I call but don't turn over my cards. The turn comes a 2 and the river comes an 8. New guy turns over QQ, and I turn over 68 to take it down. The dealer push comes the next hand, I look down and I have $1450 in front of me, and I call it a night.

I walk home VERY happy.

I don't hate him because he takes lovely photos nor because he is a funny man. I hate him because he just might be a better man than me. I lost a $1000 wager to him. I need better documentation, and I will post it when I get it, but basically, I bet him $1000 that he wouldn't wear a pink sweatsuit with a yellow lightning bolt sewn onto the front of it and his name written on the back of it in Sharpie for the final ten days of tour. He took me up on that challenge.

Chris Cain on stage in the midst of the wager:

Video of Chris Cain on the last night of the wager:

Video of everybody from We Are Scientists, Art Brut, The Spinto Band, etc. performing "Hotel California"in the dressing room in San Francisco (California, duh).

But she wasn't. I don't even watch her all the way to the top of the steps, instead distracted by the adorable dachsund puppy walking by. Now THAT'S worth a look back over the shoulder.

I love this hotel. I've walked right into this lobby, this elevator, at least twenty times. Never a problem. I did actually stay here once. Trying to open a bottle of beer with the "edge of the table" technique, i lined up the cap of a bottle of probably Stella or maybe Amstel Light with the edge of the desk, and gave it a smack. It was a glass-top desk, I should add. It was now a glass-top desk with a big chip missing and a good-size four inch sunburst pattern cracked into it. And the fucking beer was still wasn't open, too.

This affair was magnificent. An affair that lasted many years, many hotels, many alleys, many construction sites, many parks, many benches, many strange bars in strange neighborhoods, many cities. I'd started to say it was the best time of my life when I realized that while this affair was taking place I was living with the woman that I've often described as the love of my life. Maybe it really was the happiest I've ever been... Two amazing women.

I'm unsure if I'm thinking these things as I get into the elevator. Probably not.

They ask me to sign it at the pool. I've never used anything but my real name. I now remember one time that I signed in the affair's woman real name at the pool and that she was fairly pissed off at me for doing so.

They hand me a towel and a locker key. It really is that simple. I'd go back every day if I didn't think it would start being weird. But I do need to go back again.

The pool is empty. I do jump in, but I'm not really here for the pool. Not when I'm here alone, anyway. I get up from the pool and walk back into the locker room. The sauna is already on as high as it goes. I'm relieved to see it. The last couple of hotel saunas I encountered were room temperature when I approached them, and never got hot enough to even both to sit down in. I wish they could all be like that steam room at Fairmont Hot Springs in Anaconda, Montana.

I feel the pool water evaporate. I feel the sweat start. I breathe deeply. I love it. I would bake myself like this every day if I could. I could fall asleep in here happily. I actually fear that I will do that some day. It fears me less than the "somehow the door gets locked while I'm in here" fear that always crops up if even for a second when sitting in one of these. I do a good twenty minutes. I can feel my back softening and aligning, and I don't even have a bad back to begin with.

Back to the pool. I make myself do ten laps, and it just about kills me. I can't actually do them all freestyle... I do six laps freestyle, then one backstroke, then two breaststroke, finishing with one last freestyle. I feel pretty pathetic, but then when I'm done I can also feel the muscles in my upper back bulging and tightening, and I feel better.

Back to the sauna. This time I'm focused. I can feel my body anticipate... my lungs welcome the hot air, my pores are at attention. I lean slightly forward, my arms across the top of my legs, my fingers interlocked. My head slightly down. I'm sitting perfectly still and breathing deeply. When my nostrils just won't take in any more of the 190 degree air, I finish the breath with my mouth. I've never understood how some runners can avoid mouth breathing. That's amazing to me. I don't think at all. I make myself wait.

The sweat starts to run out of me. Absolutely pouring. It won't stop. I wish the toxins out of me. I will the water to come. I want it to never stop. Their are five drops in perfect symmetry on the wood bench beneath me... a drop comes off of each hand somewhere between the wrist and the fingers in a place that I wouldn't have thought is the low-point of my hands, but clearly is in this position. Another two wider drops come off of each arm about halfway between wrist and elbow, three inches beyond where my elbows are resting on my legs. And in the middle of it all a large drop comes down my face and off my nose. A very large drop. every 4 seconds or so I would estimate. It hits the wood with a lovely solid slap every time. I'm very still. I can see the splash of the sweat hitting the target and I can't think of anything else.

the five points of sweat are perfectly the top half of a hexagon.

         *                   *

*                  *                  *

I try not to think about the Trivial Pursuit playing pieces, but I can't help it.

I count the drops of sweat hitting the center. I decide to let 100 more hit the ground. I count 1 to 50, then 50 again, and then backwards down to 0. I include zero. I know I don't have to include zero, as I already compensated for that by including 50 twice, but... I can't help it, and go to zero. Even though I feel silly for doing so. I try not to think about "Murphy" by Beckett, but I can't. Whenever I find myself counting steps or drops of sweat or whatever, I just can't help it.

I count the steps from the top of the stairs near the platform, to the bottom of the steps leading to the exit at the York Street F train station every time I get off the train there. Never when I get onto the train, only when I leave. There's a splotch of paint that's a bit under halfway up the ramp. It's at about the 39.5 / 40 stride mark, and the entire length of the ramp is right around 93 strides, give or take 2 or 2.5, even though I couldn't tell you why it possibly would vary that much.

The sweat keeps dripping from my nose. I tell myself that I want to stay a little longer, like 3 more minutes.

I decide to take some really deep, really drawn out breaths, like if I were trying to concentrate and fall asleep. They must take like 12 seconds apiece I'm guessing, so I pick 15 breaths.

I take the fifteen breaths and it's absolute heaven. I never want to leave.

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All rights reserved.

All materials contained on this site are protected by United States copyright law and may not be reproduced, distributed, transmitted, displayed, published or broadcast without the prior written permission of The Self-Starter Foundation. You may not alter or remove any trademark, copyright or other notice from copies of the content.

However, you may download material from The Self-Starter Foundation website (one machine readable copy and one print copy per page) for your personal, noncommercial use only.

For further information, please contact The Self-Starter Foundation.

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