i went to LLLL last night after work. until 6 AM (they close at 6). won $55. was up $150 at one point, but i get QQ on the button on a five-handed table. limp limp to me. i raise to $12. call call. raise to $50 (and i thought it was a straddle, but i realize now it was a limp re-raise.). next guy folds. i got to $150. fold fold. back to the other guy and he goes all-in and covers me. i think about it for a minute. he says "can i show my cards? am i allowed to show my cards and not have them be ruled dead. what's the rule here?" everybody says it's OK. he shows me AA. i thank him and turn over QQ and fold. everybody looks at him like he's crazy. he says he's happy to make $175 bucks with AA and not have any risk of losing it. i had $250 behind, and everybody's kinda looking at me like i'm crazy for folding when i'm in for $150, but... another $250 to win $575... it just doesn't make sense.

it's an easy game there, though. i feel like i can beat it consistently.

There’s a block near my house that consistently smells like dogshit. I really find myself looking around and wondering if/where the urban legend “apartment of the crazy lady trapped under a six-foot stack of 1967 newspapers” is. And are the dogs eating the flesh from her limbs yet?

-----------

What a strange time right now. Two of the most beautiful women I know, both of which I’m pretty sure I’ve been in love with, are pregnant. An old friend is moving back to Memphis. Another friend has finally, after 10 years of school around the globe, finally made it TO New York. Mitch just got married. Pete just got engaged.

Shira is the first New York woman I ever met. She’s also the first woman to ever make me feel attractive. I’d been with girls before; I’d dated before. But this was the first woman I ever met that was confident, attractive, secure, cosmopolitan, aggressive, strong, beautiful. In other words, completely out of my league. But she made me feel like I could maybe, just maybe, be in the same category.

When Men’s Health ran an article where they talked with four “real woman” about what they really want out of life, and they ran photos of Shira looking gorgeous, all my friends freaked out about how hot she was. And then they teased me about the fact that her ideal man was Jewish.

Nonetheless, I wasn’t her ideal man, but I still love her to death. And I’m excited for her and her husband to be having twins.

I am feeling like more of a kid than ever.

a sign in a store window the other day. seemed worthy of photographing.

cashed in for $200, lost two pair vs. set. bought in for another $200. hit a nice hand and doubled up.

couple of hands later i get JJ on a straddle, somebody raised to $20, three callers, it comes to me and i make it $125. first raiser goes all in for like $117, next guy calls, two guys fold.

flop comes 2 4 K. i'm first to act, and i go all in for $248. guy thinks about it for a while and calls.

turn comes a J (third diamond), river comes a blank. all in guy turns over his AK, i drop my JJ, other guy turns over his AK. one of the guys that folded said he had KJ.

one outer, but after what happened to my KK earlier in the day, i don't give a care.

so i got $900 in front of me now. pick up a couple of hands, make a really nice bluff at a $225 pot with a $125 river bet that i'm sure i was losing.

get red KK on the button. small blind, big blind, straddle to 5, somebody early makes it 17. get 2 callers, guy immediately before me makes it 50. it looks like he only has about 85 behind him, so i smooth call kinda hoping early raiser might put him all in? although my smooth call should probably look pretty fishy.

anyway... one of the blinds cold calls (yikes), originally raiser calls, and one of the other callers calls (one folds). so... there's like $275 in the pot preflop.

flop comes 2 8 10, two spades.

check check check guy to my right goes all-in for almost $200. i really didn't think he had that much. but i'm not really worried about him. i put him on a lower pair like JJ or QQ. although i do worry about 10 10, but... if he hit it, i'll just lose my money and i'm not too worried about it, except the fact that if he DID have 10 10 and i had went all in pre-flop i'm sure he would have folded for another $200. big mistake (damn green chips).

first to act thinks about it a little bit and folds, next guy folds, next guy thinks and thinks and thinks. he's the other big stack on the table, also with about $800 in front of him. thinks and thinks and thinks and folds.

the guy to my right is reaching for his wallet and muttering that as soon as i went all in so quickly he knows he's fucked, so i know i'm winning. I turn over KK, he shows QQ.

it holds up.

the other guy claims he laid down 10 8, but i don't believe him for a second. but... i guess for $800 with two all ins in front of you, you would be worried about a set. it turns out that the turn and river come 6 6

and i ended up with Kings Up and would have beat his 10s Up, but... i'm not sure i believe him anyway.

but... a nice little $400 PROFIT hand. i play another uneventful 30 minutes, and cash out with $1410.

which means i only made $250 for the day, because i dropped $200 at BBBB last night in 15 minutes after work flopping top two vs. somebody flopping a straight and then missing a nut flush draw in a three way flop with me as small stack.

but... yeah... FINALLY.

whew.

At the club, when somebody asks about Joe Cash (“Whatever happened to Joe Cash?), Scott responds “I see Joe Cash all the time.” Mike asks “How do you see him all the time?”

Scott says “We both live in Staten Island” as if it’s obvious that everybody that lives in Staten Island knows each other and sees each other daily.

I’m sitting at work. We get here at 5:30 so that we can clean the cards and get ready for the night. We technically open at 6:00 PM, but players hardly ever get here until 7:00 or 7:15. Sometimes the dealers start a game early and then players join (maybe) as they filter in. The tournaments start at 8:00 PM. I’m going to sit here for another hour and a half, and then get cut if not enough players show up. There aren’t gonna be enough players tonight. I know it.

Ordinarily I would just play the tournament once I get cut. But… I have $60. The tournament costs $110 to enter tonight. And if I lose, I have ZERO dollars for the rest of the week. Not that $60 is a whole lot better. But I’d have to borrow fifty bucks to play the tournament which I would probably lose anyway.

Quite a lovely situation.

I worked Saturday night until 4:30 AM. Then went to Broadway to play 10/20. At one point I was even like 2 hours into it. Then Jay went on a $1200 rush over the next hour. And halfway through his rush, and then for another half hour, I just lost every pot I was in.

Final straw: I have $50 left. I call a raise with 55. Four players in the flop, and the flop comes A 5 7.

check check. Raiser bets, I call, one of the blinds folds, and the other one starts to call when the dealer burns and lays down the turn card. It’s a 3.

The player says he was going to call, but the dealer says “this card is going to be shuffled back into the deck.” The players calls, and the dealer puts down the card that would have been on the river on the turn (the proper procedural thing to do, I might add.) He puts down a 2.

the first player checks, the original raiser says “I can’t bet that card”, and I go all in for my last $20. the small blind folds, the original raiser calls. I turn over my 55. he turns over 46. he was open ended on the flop, and would have hit the lower end of the straight with the 3. I feel good. I have a set vs. open ended. I’m way ahead. He has 8 outs. And he had already hit one of his outs once before on the turn, and I HADN’T hit my boat with the original cards (I have 10 chances to improve to a full house or quads.), so… while not statistically true, I’m thinking that LUCK should dictate that I have a better chance of hitting a good card for me this time, or at least that he won’t one of his outs.

The river.

I give the dealer my last $1 as a tip, and walk out the door having lost $600 and having $42 in my pocket.

Granted, if I had won, that would have only been a $170 pot, but… still… I would be happy with that, and obviously then I could play a few more hands and see what happens.

Instead I walk home at 8:45 AM on September 11th. And it’s a lovely morning. And it’s a little before 9 AM on September 11th, and it’s impossible to not think about THAT September 11th, and the 4 years in between. The worst four years of my life.

Which is completely true. They HAVE been the worst four years of my life. But after two horrendous nights at the 10/20 table, and with that anniversary, and with knowing that I just blew the rent money in like 6 hours at the poker table…. Well… yeah. It’s all a bit more obvious and despairing.

I spend the day Sunday wallowing. I drink a lot. I eat very little. I watch like nine episodes of “Arrested Development” and send text messages with an 18 year-old virgin who is probably a lesbian who just got her nipple pierced and a 30 year-old girl who is on a “cross cuntry strip”, stripping her way across the USA.

Classy. I’m a classy guy.

When did this become my life?

And now I’m sitting here today… I slept all day, then did nothing. Getting ready to get in the shower and head to BBBB. I’m just scheduled to deal the tournament, but I’m positive I’ll get there and get cut. And I don’t have any money to play or anything, so… I guess I’ll just turn around and come home.

Maybe I should contact my girlfriend that I’ve completely ignored for the last 36 hours, even though she has called me twice and texted me three times, and who I can tell is not texting or emailing or calling me today because I’m an asshole and she’s sad and I’m leaving for a month and she can tell that it’s going to be weird.

And all I want to do is figure out a way to borrow $40 so I can play the $110 tournament at BBBB tonight if / when I get cut from working.

Pathetic.

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All materials contained on this site are protected by United States copyright law and may not be reproduced, distributed, transmitted, displayed, published or broadcast without the prior written permission of The Self-Starter Foundation. You may not alter or remove any trademark, copyright or other notice from copies of the content.

However, you may download material from The Self-Starter Foundation website (one machine readable copy and one print copy per page) for your personal, noncommercial use only.

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